July 23, 2000

Being a Sunday, there's never much to do but I try to find ways to entertain myself. I ended up going to the video store.
I rented "Ride with the Devil" on DVD...a Civil War period piece. I had to deal with Jewel's acting debut but at least I got to see the beautiful Jonathan Rhys Meyers! The movie was slow at times but I made it through. I don't think I'll be watching this one again though.

I also ended up renting the "X-Men: Mutant Academy" video game for Sony Playstation. I've been on an "X-Men" kick since seeing the movie twice earlier this month. It's a "Mortal Kombat" style fighting game...I've never really cared for the genre but I tried it any way and it wasn't bad. I was kicking butt as Wolverine for a while but I got beat by that lame ass Gambit (of all people!)

I was very pleased to hear that my favorite band Queen has another #1 single over in England today. 2/3 of Queen (Brian May & Roger Taylor) re-did "We Will Rock You" with the pop group 5ive (think "British Backstreet Boys".) Initially I was a bit worried about my guys working with a "boy band" but with a #1 debut....I don't mind as much. =) I've ordered an import CD of the single, I should get it this week.

Great news for my Cincinnati Reds baseball team. The *almost* free agent shortstop Barry Larkin re-signed with the Reds today, keeping him with the team through what will likely be the end of his career. He's been with the Reds his whole career and deserves to be with them until the end. All this and Cincy is only 5 games out of first place in the N.L. central division!


July 25, 2000

Another typical weekday for me, waking up, grabbing a bite to eat and then head on out to work. I swear if I didn't have a movie to watch when I came home during the week.......
I rented "Magnolia" tonight. Was a bit miffed as I was reduced to watching it on crappy VHS tape (the DVD doesn't come out until late August, 2000) but at least I have a kickin' sound system to listen to it through.
The film was roughly 3 and a half hours long (spread over 2 tapes) but it breezed on by. What an emotionally jarring film. Paul Thomas Anderson wrote & directed it (he also did "Boogie Nights".) His movies just *get* the pain humans deal with (in it's various forms) and it's almost draining to watch it all. I admit I had one of those "silent" cries in the scene in which Tom Cruise "confronts" his dying father...a man he's hated almost his entire life. Yeah, I could relate to what Cruise's character was going through. Good stuff. I pre-ordered the DVD shortly after watching it. Powerful. It's why I love movies....the good ones will show you a different perspective, make you *feel* emotions.....making you feel alive.

After a few weeks off, I'm going to begin tanning again this week. Have to keep the color up ya know! I went for 3 months straight but eventually got sick of going every day which is why I took most of July off.
I like having having a tan, it suits me better than being pale. Look at my "Pics" page and decide for yourself.


July 30, 2000

OK, been a few days since I made my last entry here so here we go!

I'm beginning to think I'm a DVD addict. Most of my credit card debt comes from DVD buying sprees. I tell myself "stick to just the ones you have pre-ordered" but I always end up buying a few hundred dollars worth of other titles. Talk about digging your financial grave!

This thursday my mother is having major surgery where they remove the uterus and other female organs. Honestly, I'm scared shitless. If something bad was to happen to her, I don't know what I'd do. I'm going through a ton of different emotions right now and am having a difficult time dealing with them. I hope everything goes perfect.

The "X-Men" movie is doing very well at the box office, reaching the $100 million mark in just 10 days. I can only imagine what it's total worldwide take will be (maybe $300-350 million?) a sequel is definite! YES!


August 4, 2000

Well after waiting for most of the afternoon for my stepfather to call and let us know how my mother's surgery went, I decided to call the hospital myself.
Apparently the surgery went well and she is now resting in her hospital room. She was a bit sick from the anesthesia but that will pass.
In all probability I will visit her Friday afternoon and get all the details.
I can relax a little bit now.......

August 6, 2000

Well mom came home today after spending an extra day in the hospital. Obviously she's very sore and we have to keep an eye on her for any problems but she's generally in good spirits. The doctor said to expect at least 6 weeks for recovery time.

Of all the DVD's I've ordered I finally find myself having to return one, the director's cut of "J.F.K". It was a 1997 release and back then they spread long movies over BOTH sides of the disc which of course means having to get up and flip the disc over to continue watching. I'm not having any piece of crap "flipper" DVD in my collection. I'll wait for a re-issue.

Generally I *never* buy "full screen" movies on DVD as often half the picture is cut out. I always buy "widescreen" versions if available however some films will never be in widescreen (some movies were originally filmed in a certain aspect ratio so widescreen would be impossible.) Director Stanley Kubrick's last wishes were that all of his movies be presented in "full screen" which isn't that big of a deal since he originally filmed his movies "open matte". I had to have the classic horror flick "The Shining" so knowing it'll never be widescreen I can accept watching it full screen.


August 19, 2000

Ok, sorry...been a bit since I last updated this section. Here goes nothing.....

My mom is doing well not to mention doing things she shouldn't be doing at all (mowing the lawn of all things!) so she's a bit sore. She's more mobile now which of course, is a positive. She's to see her doctor next week.

My Aunt Karen from Germany will be visiting next month. I haven't seen her in several years so I'm looking forward to it.

Speaking of visiting, an old friend of mine from waaaayyyyy back in the 4th grade has invited me to come out to California for a bit.....he's even offered to pay for the plane ticket. He doesn't live too far from San Francisco (which interests me.....kind of like the mother land for gay folks, hehe.) I'm still mulling it over though. I've never really travelled a lot by myself over a long distance. In fact the farthest I've gone is Minneapolis, Minnesota (I know, how boring...shaddup!)

I finally had to buy a DVD tower yesterday....I own so many now I ran out of room on my shelves!
Last weekend I went shopping for clothes and spent a few hundred. I really hate shopping for clothing, especially pants. You have to find the right size then try them on and if they don't fit you have to try something else but you have to be careful 'cuz some brands (though the same size) fit differently and ARGH! I had a major headache when I came home.

Full details were released on the upcoming Freddie Mercury box set and it's amazing. EVERYTHING you could want is on there! Rare, out-of-print to unreleased music, 10 CD's worth! Plus there are 2 DVD's in the set BUT right now Hollywood Records won't be releasing it (the set) in America so I won't be able to enjoy the DVD's unless a Japanese version features a "region free" DVD. More money I have to spend but this will be worth it!

I also purchased "Queer As Folk" (the controversial gay themed UK TV series) as a 2 DVD set, which was finally released in America. It was quite expensive ($75) for discs that featured no extras on them but as long as they're of good quality I'll be satisfied. "Queer As Folk 2" comes out here in 4-5 months (or so the company claims.)

CDnow just pissed me off today. On Wednesday I ordered a few CD's from them using my lowest credit card (just a $200 one) and 1 of the orders was cancelled because I had maxed it out. Ok, fine...so I cancel the other 2 orders, remove that credit card number from the site completely and re-order everything as one & put it on another card. Well....the first order was shipped much to my dismay (even though I told them to cancel the damn things) so I rushed back and attempted to cancel the re-order. Guess what? They end up shipping those out as well even though I asked them to cancel it too! Now when they arrive next week I have to ship them back, get a refund applied to my card and..... ARGH! Why do they even bother giving you a cancel option? It NEVER works!

Sticking with credit cards, I applied for another platinum one which I hope I get (an official Cincinnati Reds card, how cool!) and IF I do, I'm getting a REAL damn computer and dumping this piece of shit WebTV once and for all. There is just too much I miss out on with WebTV...too much this junky thing just cannot do, I'm tired of it. Now I just have to get my pc expert friend to go shopping with me so I get a good set-up.

On a more personal note, when I sit here typing away at this journal, I often find myself wondering just how much I should say and share. Part of me doesn't want to get too personal but the other half feels I should just let it out......what do you think?

These days I wonder what the hell is wrong with gay men. Why the hell aren't I in a loving relationship? I mean I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world but I sure as hell ain't the hunchback of Notre Dame! I'm intelligent, caring and loving, I actually care and listen to a guy's problems/thoughts/worries, etc. I'm fairly good in the sack even! I make a guy feel he's the most important person in the world and what happens? *I* get dumped? How does that happen? What kind of screwed up logic/thinking is that?

Am I a "bad" guy but don't realize it? Of all the guys I've been with only a few do I remain in contact with. Does that reflect badly upon me? I have even heard some guys have actually spoken badly of me to others and I think, "Why? What the hell did I ever do to them?" Am I not as good with people, in relationships, as I think I am? Do I rub people the wrong way after a while? I really don't know. I'd like to think I don't have that affect on people but who knows? My opinion of myself is biased.

I was talking about a lot of this with a friend of mine from Wisconsin last night. Especially about gay bars/clubs. I really don't care for them too much yet some small part of my personality tells me I should go more often...."Meet more guys...maybe you'll find a good one." My friend Bob then asked "..but do you really want to meet the kind of guys that go to bars?" to which I replied "If there are guys like me that go there, they can't be all bad." I've only been to clubs 3 times as an adult and usually I got bored quickly. I don't dance.....probably can't but in all honesty, maybe I'm too shy to try. They say you have to make yourself noticed at a club for a guy to approach you and dancing is the best way to do that....well why should I have to play games just to meet a nice guy (if they even exist)? Jesus, I could care less if a whole club noticed me as long as just ONE, REAL guy approached me and just started to talk to me, because he thought I was cute and wanted to get to know *me*..I'd be happy and content with that. It's a shame because I know I have so much love to give to that right "someone" but will I ever meet him? Will I be in the right place and the right time? Will it have to be in a friggin' gay bar???? Questions, questions.
As I said earlier, I'm not what you'd consider a "hunk" (too skinny for that) but more along the lines of "average" looking. I'm not rich....probably never will be. I'm not the most out going or "fun" person in the history of the world. Yes....I *can* be fun but not 24 hours a day and usually only if I'm with the right people. I'm more laid back and relaxed, I don't *need* to go bar hopping and be a butterfly talking to everyone to have a good time or to have to seem well liked or important. That matters very little to me. LOL, what the hell do I want? Heck if I know. I'm just typing all this out as it comes to me....you're getting a good look at how my mind works sometimes....scared yet?

It's like I'm home on a Saturday night...I feel like I should be out doing something...but what? The choices around here are slim.....unless you count gay bars. I wouldn't say I have a ton of gay friends and a gay bar is the last place I want to be by myself. It's just 1 of those places where you could feel very lonely. I remember the last time I was at Truman's (in South Bend, Indiana) and they play a slow, love song as the final number...you see all these couples slow dancing together and.....well, you get the idea I think.

It certainly is hard living as a gay man...you can feel very lonely at times and part of you just wants to go out....to just soar above everyone else and be happy and dance and laugh because you feel there is this joyous life out there for you just waiting to be claimed. Calling to you, wanting to embrace you. Just to let go of all of your imperfections, the little things that hold you back. Just to not worry about people looking at you funny if you danced or being turned down if you approached a cute guy.....I want to be that guy so bad and have that life but it's so fucking hard. Yes I've changed an awful lot since I was 18 but I have much farther to go...I'm still growing and learning but most importantly I'm still yearning for something more out of life. Will I find it? I hope so. How? That's the difficult bit. Would college help? I'm not so sure...I've always hated school, I felt my calling was to something else but I'm still not quite sure what. I know I don't want to end up like my older brother Bobby, jobless, almost 30 and still living at home mired in legal problems nor do I want to be like my other brother Brian who, while happily married doesn't have real freedom any more..it's like he's OLDer and has to act the part for the rest of his life. I don't want to act like an old man, I'm still 24 but I often wonder if that's how people look at me.

Geez, this sounds like I'm giving myself a pitty party but really I'm not. It's just a continuing process of evaluating *me*, who I am, where I'm at and what I want to be. There are a few, small aspects of life I am content with but much too much of it I am most decidedly not. The question is, how do I change it?
I am always searching for answers, trying to find the truth. Some might say the truth is so obvious to you it can't be recognized until it's too late. I have to think there is more that is destined for me...that I'm not supposed to be where I am right now. I'm sure others have felt the same. It's like, other than my family, who will remember me when I'm gone? Not necessarily dead but moved away or whatever? What kind of mark will I have left in people's lives? Maybe nights like this I think too much but that's me, I think about everything. I FEEL everything and dammit that's what you're supposed to do! You just can't ignore thoughts because you're maybe afraid of the answers or feelings because you're afraid of what they might make you do. I feel every emotion because that's one of the few things that's makes me feel alive to laugh, to cry, to be in complete joy is what makes us all human but I also know I have to balance it all. To think and feel....I worry and yet I can feel strong. I know it sounds strange but I am a man for all seasons.

Boy, I'm really pumping this out now aren't I?

Above all things, I know I am a good person. I know I can love, I know I can handle love but maybe some guys cannot handle me? I don't lie, I tell you exactly what I feel, what I think but some boys cannot do the same. They can't share who they are but I can..hell, you're reading *this* aren't you?
Some guys have written me saying "You'll find the right guy, don't worry" which is nice but maybe a bit foolish? How do you know that? How do we really know anything outside of ourselves? Maybe a person shouldn't "look" for love but then again, how will love know you want it in your life?

I remember a few years back I was at a mall in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I was there with my friend Justin and we were strolling along and I saw this very cute boy working at one of those stalls in the middle of the walk way. I knew he was gay (rather obvious in fact) and I so wanted to say something to him. I stood at his little shop for maybe 30 minutes in the exact same spot trying to build up the courage. I finally waited for him to finish with his customers and I swallowed my fear and walked up to him. My face felt hot so I knew I was already blushing before a single word escaped my mouth. I stammered a bit with my words, fumbling to find the right things to say. I didn't want to be insulting by knowing he was "obviously" gay to jump right into it so I began with "Hi...um....if I'm way out of line with this, just tell me to fuck off but..." and I told him he was cute, etc, etc and eventually asked if he'd like to go out for a drink some time. I fully expected him to give me a lame excuse but to my surprise he said yes and gave me his number. I was a very happy boy that day...I overcame my shyness and fear and won out!.......or so I thought. He was kind of hard to get a hold of by phone...I ended up speaking with him for maybe a total of 5 minutes as he was always "busy" or "just heading out the door". One day I call and another guy answers. He knew I had called a couple of times and asked who I was. He then informed me that he was not only the guy's room mate but also his new boyfriend.............
This of course is just an example of my luck. It has only seemed to last for brief periods of time before vanishing and me getting hurt in the process. I've almost come to expect guys never working out for me...hell with some I never get past the phone stage 'cuz they, for whatever reason, never call me again. I just don't get that......

I know I have a lot of positives going for me. I can be so passionate and yet so tender. I remember stopping having sex with a past boyfriend just so I could look at him...I mean the moonlight was just pouring in through the window that night and I wanted to enjoy every aspect of him. Is that wrong? Can't I be romantic and sweet to someone and not get shit on? Yeesh.....

I have the world to give to the right guy.....
.....I could amaze you.....if you gave me the chance.


September 11, 2000

Wow, I really shared with that last entry didn't I?

Well I finally broke down and bought a new bed. Kind of an "end of an era" type thing for me. That bed...saw..a lot, LOL! Besides, it was showing it's age with the "dip" in the middle. The new bed I'll have to get used to.

I also bought my first electronic device off the internet, a CD player. My old one is about 10 years old now and I figured since all my "entertainment" devices were new I might as well complete it with a new CD player.......of course that doesn't help my credit card bills.....ouch!

I'm eagerly waiting for October 23rd to arrive. That's the day when the long awaited Freddie Mercury box set is released. It will contain 10 CD's and 2 DVD's! *drool*

I'm quickly running out of room for my CD's and DVD's, I've had to resort to buying CD/DVD towers and those are a real pain in the ass because when ever you buy new ones, you have to move all the others one by one.

The baseball season is winding down and I've come to accept that my beloved Cincinnati Reds will have to settle for a second place finish. Oh well, there's always next year right?


September 22, 2000

Well I went ahead and bought a new CD player today. Unfortunately my old stereo cabinet wasn't big enough to hold it so I went out to one of our storage sheds and got a really old one out that *was* big enough. The problem is I lose two shelves worth of CD space which has taken up a LOT of room. Thank goodness I bought another DVD tower today but I'll have to buy another one tomorrow. Ugh. All of my credit cards total debt must be around $5,000 by now. I know it sounds like a lot to you but trust me, I have a financial plan for it.

Well my Reds were officially eliminated for the NL Central division recently and soon to have the same fate for the Wild Card. Such high hopes we had, such poor results we got.

"The Exorcist" was re-released to theaters today but it's not yet playing in my area. Hopefully it will as that is one film I want to experience in a packed theater!


September 29, 2000

My Aunt Karen and her boyfriend arrived from Germany today. It's been some 4-5 years since I've seen her. Their english isn't "fantastic" but since my mother can speak both english and german it all works out.
They'll be here for two weeks.

This visit comes at a good time for mom. My older brother Bobby is going to prison soon. I know I've never mentioned his legal problems before and I'm not going into detail now. Safe to say he's done some dumb things but he has a problem and needs help. Hopefully there will be some kind of service there that will be able to provide something for him. This visit helps keep her mind off our current problems (which never seem to end.)


October 12, 2000

Yes, yes, I know. Another long gap between writing, sorry.

My aunt Karen and her b/f return to Germany tomorrow. I know mom will be bummed because she loves having her sister here but there's nothing that can be done about that.

Bobby (my brother) is still being held in the local jail waiting to be moved to a state prison. As I said before, he's had legal problems......

I bought a new camcorder this past weekend. The main reason why is that I wanted to send a casting tape in to MTV's "The Real World". It went via priority mail so it should arrive by the deadline. I know, my chances of getting picked are slim but hell, I had to try right? I'll post here what happens.
I've also used the camcorder for.....uh....other things.....

Cool news on the Oasis front (my 2nd favorite band.) They have both a double CD *and* DVD coming out in November called "Familiar To Millions" on the same day. Too fucking cool!


October 13, 2000

AHHHH! Friday the 13th! Well, that explains why my day started so shitty.
I've deleted any and all mention of my ex Nate from my site. He doesn't deserve to be on here (other than this brief mention of disgust.)
He's shown himself for who he really is, a lying piece of shit who's become someone he's really not. He's gotten caught up in the gay bar scene.....and now he's one of those shallow club fags.
He'll regret dumping me once he finds out he's no longer the "flavor of the month" and when he wonders why he's always getting cheated on & treated like shit. THEN he'll wish he had a guy like me around.
He lied to me big time the other night when he should've just told me the truth. If he would have be truthful....at least I wouldn't have ended up hating him like I do now.
Shit like this just makes me continue to think there isn't a single, GOOD gay man out there for me. Maybe I should just hang up my dating shoes for good. Save me a lot of time and hurt.
...and Nate, if you ever read this, fuck you for hurting me not once but twice.


October 21, 2000

This Sunday I plan to attend a candlelight memorial for Matthew Sheppard which will be held in South Bend, IN (same place as last year which I also attended.)
I will likely bring my camcorder to get some footage.


October 24, 2000

Well I attended the vigil on Sunday, it was well done if still a bit small. The local NBC station was around interviewing various people.
My ex Tim was there and we chatted for a bit and then he surprisingly asked me over to his apartment to which I agreed. We hung out and goofed around. It was nice to see him again after so long.

It looks like I will have to end up waiting another month for that Freddie Mercury box set. The NTSC/Region free set is no longer available so now I have to wait for Hollywood Records to release it here on November 21st.


November 13, 2000

Well I spoke too soon. Hollywood Records will not release the Freddie Mercury box set and instead just put out a 3 CD mini set in December. The bastards.
I ended up ordering a PAL version from the UK which I ended up returning 3 days later as I found out Queen's official web site was offering an NTSC version. It should arrive at my doorstep late this week. I had to have the NTSC so I would be able to watch the 2 DVD's included in the set.

I just got confirmation that the new Oasis live album, "Familiar To Millions" was shipped to me from the UK. I didn't want to wait another week for the CD to come out here. Now I'm just waiting for the companion DVD's release date to be announced.

Now, the presidential election. Yes, I voted for Vice President Al Gore and am proud to say he won Michigan. However, as we all know, we still have no clear cut winner in the electoral race (Gore won the popular vote but that might not matter in the end.)
I find it rather suspicious that all the question marks are in the state of Florida where it's Governor is the brother of George W. Bush.
Now there are legal challenges from both sides, voter complaints...it's all a mess really and rather sad. If Bush ends up being declared the winner (and my gut says that's how it'll end up) he'll face 4 VERY long years from at least half the country who don't believe he should be in office.
I still cannot believe the race was so close. What made people vote for Bush? I watch him speak and see how difficult it is for him to string sentences together. I see his record as Texas Gov. and how proud he is of all the people he's put to death. I see his many past failures as a business man, a known drunk, etc. No experience in foreign policy (he can't even name leaders of other countries), he's helpless in debates with his own countrymen, what'll he be like dealing with foreign leaders? What, he'll just get frustrated..act like his daddy and bomb them. He's a REPUBLICAN! Look what they stand for! Anti-choice, anti-gay, pro-rich, pro-guns, etc, etc. He's a joke to other countries for christ's sake!

Now Gore on the other hand, not only has his experiences in the US Senate but also EIGHT years as VP and being part of one of the most successful periods of this country's history. He's pro-environment (as everyone SHOULD be, we all have to live in it.)
Perhaps some thought of him as too "boring" and if that cost him votes, it's plain sad. This is the Presidency of the COUNTRY folks, not of a high school student council. It isn't supposed to be a popularity contest.

Anyway, onto other things. When I bought my camcorder, my intention was to produce a casting tape for MTV's "The Real World" (which I completed and sent in before the deadline.) Who's more real than me? MTV *needs* the anti-GAP, anti-boy band, anti-gay stereotype! I don't expect to get selected, this is MTV afterall and they want pretty boys...period (especially after Danny's popularity from the New Orleans show.) Oh well, I should get a nice "We're not interested" letter soon.
However, I also made "fun" tapes of me specifically for my internet friends who've yet to meet me in real life. The tape was different for all of them. Some just got me being goofy with a friend of mine, others got more "naughty" bits. :-)

I had to buy a new bookshelf to store all my DVD's in. Of course I had to put it together myself and while it doesn't look too shabby....it still kinda leans to the right. Hey, I followed their damn directions!

Man! I haven't had sex in a little over two months! Crazy man....I'm starting to get uh...a little anxious, if you know what I mean.......


November 24, 2000

Well today is the 9th anniversary of Freddie Mercury's death. Here's to you Freddie, I hope you're at peace, where ever you are.

Thanksgiving came and went without much of a fuss. My brother Brian and I had a brief argument then made up 15 minutes later to chill mom out. Dinner was fine but I didn't eat too much considering my lunch was larger than usual.

A friend of mine burned a CD of the *entire* Oasis "MTV Unplugged" for me (two songs were left off of the TV broadcast.) I wish they'd release it officially on CD and DVD but it's unlikely. I did get their "Familiar To Millions" CD a few days ago. Quite good...I posted my review in the "Music Reviews" section.

I'm a bit let down for this weekend. I had hoped my order of DVD's would have arrived by now so I could enjoy some great flicks but the holiday screwed up deliveries so now I have to wait until Monday. "X-Men", "Escape From New York", "Planes Trains and Automobiles" were the DVD's and the "Star Wars" trilogy on crappy VHS was also included (I don't own the widescreen versions which is why I ordered these.)

I got an e-mail today from a fella in England after he'd had a look at my site. He agreed with me about my thoughts on the "gay scene", about how shallow it is BUT how difficult it can be to meet a guy unless you're involved in it. How depressing.....


December 8, 2000

Not too much going on at the ranch.
Still hoping that Bush & Dick die in a plane crash while cleaning their guns and signing death warrants but I kinda doubt it. Gore won......period

My older brother Brian has been having panic attacks which apparently are the manifestation of childhood trauma caused by dear ol' dad.
My other brother Bobby is in the UP of the state at a prison some 10 hours from here so I doubt I'll be seeing much of him for a while.
Funny how my brother's have such a hard time dealing with our past and yet I'm just whistling dixie here. Go figure.

I got 2 DVD's the other day which I didn't even pay for! My mom bought "Gladiator" & "The Nutty Professor 2" (they're early Christmas gifts....hey I'm not a kid, I don't have to wait for 'em ya know?)


December 11, 2000

Sometimes you just want to sleep. Not because you're tired, not because you're sick. You just want to sleep because there's nothing worthwhile to be conscious for.
You just know....what do I need to see that I haven't already witnessed? What do I need to learn that I haven't already experienced? Sleep is a blissful state because you are removed from it all. No worries to bog your mind down. No lonliness to make your heart wander. No hunger to make you fatter, no cigarette smoke to slowly kill you. None of it. Just peace. In a world of your making. No people to annoy you, to sicken you, to distract you. None of that, just peace.
What is bothering me tonight?
Is it the utter disappointment in my life because I am not where I want to be? Do I even *know* where I want to be.....would it even be a good place to stay? Do I want to be a success and own lots of expensive things even though they end up owning me? Do I want to be "the man"...the center of attention....to be popular and wanted by other men...knowing that there would be just as many who want to knock me down as there are who would want me to win? What's the point of it all? There isn't one.
Is it the emptiness of my life? I look around me and see nothing of worth. Define worth. What is worthy of me? What am I worthy of? Who cares any more? I see nothing, I think nothing....maybe I am nothing. Maybe that's what we all are, fucking nothing.
Is it the lonliness of my life? Not having a person to love and to love me back? Who cares? Why do people think they have to have someone in their lives to be fulfilled? I used to....but not any more. What's the point? Love leads to anger..anger to hate...hate to destruction. It's all one big, unhappy circle-jerk. What's the point?
Show me a person who is content in their life, who's "happy" and I'll show you the most screwed up human on the face of the planet.
I've come a long way....it's only when you hit the bottom that you can be saved from yourself.
I said good-bye to many of my so called "internet friends" recently. Ha, "internet friends"..what an empty fucking term. It's all a safety net from the heights of shallowness people want to throw you from. I don't need it. What's the point?
Can you believe I considered not posting this here? For a second I thought "What if someone special were to read this and then thought they want nothing to do with me?" God how sickening. How sick and twisted is that?
If you think this is bitterness, fuck you. If you think I'm just a sad, lonely guy who needs help, fuck you. Wear your GAP clothing, be "social" at your clubs and bars, make lots of money and be good, consumer sheep. Live your screwed up lives in your fake 'happiness'. Try real hard to convince others that the smile you're wearing is genuine when all you really wanna do is chew them up and spit their remains in a garbage strewn alley. Wallow in it. Be my guest. It's your life and it's end is counting down by the second.
You know what's truly pathetic? When you get e-mails from complete strangers who say things like "I bet you look good naked" to "I hope you find a boyfriend 'cuz you seem so sweet." Why the fuck do you think I care? Who asked for your worthless opinion? You mean nothing to me because you mean nothing to yourselves. Look at yourself in the mirror...are you happy with what you see? If your answer "yes" then you're a liar, a fake. I know what you *really* think. "I need to go to the gym more." "I need to graduate soon so I can get a high paying job to buy meaningless shit I don't need." You'll never be happy with yourself until you can just let go and not give a shit abut the consequences. Tonight....I have. Tonight I can drink gasoline and eat smoke. I can look a gun down it's barrel and laugh. I can even hear a compliment and pretend it's the weather forecast from some country I could give a shit about. I don't care, I've let go.
Should you care? It's your life, do what you will, it doesn't affect me. Throw it away if you want, just know it will be forgotten by the many and remembered by the few. Your thoughts, feelings, actions affect only ONE person, you. So deal with it.
You think love from another person will enrich your life? Lots of money? Lots of friends? Lots of possessions? It detracts and you don't even know it. How would you feel if any one of those things were gone from your life? Realize how much you depend on them, how much of an emotional crutch you've turned them into.
Ever stop to look at yourself before you go "out"? Making yourself up to be handsome or beautiful when you're not....we're all ugly inside. I can just admit that, can you?
Getting pissed off yet? Good. FEEL SOMETHING! ANYTHING! Just wake up from this drunken stupor you're in! I see it every single day from you people. Zombies.....instead of flesh eating you gobble up possessions or people. "What can I buy today to make me look good?" or "Who can I fuck Friday night?" or you combine them "What can I buy today to make me look good enough to get someone to sleep with me on Friday night?"
Sleeping gets me away from your insanity.
Do I want love/happiness? Not if it costs me my soul, which is something most of you are only too willing to whore off for an evening.
We all live empty lives but I know it.
Will your new boy toy give you everlasting joy? No? Maybe it'll be that $80,000 a year job...or maybe those new pair of shoes you've been eyeing at the mall every week for the last month....or not....
Why are you still reading this? What do you expect to gain? I don't have all the answers...in fact, I have none for you. The answers I have apply only to me. Go out, NOT to a fucking gay bar. Just go out to the beach....or into your imagination while reading a book, learn something about yourself. Don't seek inspiration from others...you will never find it.
Shallow, empty lives. Our culture breeds it and you lap it up like a good dog because you don't know any better.
I had coffee with a friend of mine early Sunday morning and I found myself not caring. About the world, the humans that poison it, nothing. It's amazing how much crap we can talk about because ultimately, what's it all matter? A few words being uttered in a group of several others doing the exact same thing.
At one point I wanted to be a writer....to inspire? To entertain? Who knows? I would've cried out for individuality and sadly millions of others would repeat exactly what I just said "We are all individuals!" They're the same where ever you go, which is why I don't bother to travel. What would a New York City have to offer me? More of the same....more of the same. "New York, New York"....it doesn't repeat for nothing you know.....
People cry and get depressed. "Oh nobody loves me!", "He left me!" and then they get into religion because if they can't have someone real to "love" them, they get an imaginary person to do it.
Bitterness, self-hate, love.....you still end up where you started. I've had all of them...I'm still the same guy. I don't hate myself...I don't love myself. I just accept ME for who I am. An imperfect individual who strives for just that, imperfection. Perfection is impossible and the goal of that is ultimately self defeating. Improvement is masturbation..you don't improve...you get to a point and then it fades away. You just are....accept it. Happiness is temporary but it does happen. Only when you have been truly down is when you can fully appreciate those few seconds of happiness. Only when life throws everything at you can you truly enjoy being alive. Love, hate....it's all a chemical reaction but at least you know you're ALIVE when you're feeling them.
I don't have a point or a revelation to share. I just have me and who I am to share. Love it or hate it, just feel it. I am what I am.....imperfect. Imperfect in thought, imperfect in love, imperfect in looks and I'm goddamn happy about it. The question is, are YOU happy being the way you are? Can you accept your limitations and not worry about impressing others? If the answer is no then just leave, I don't want you here reading this nor would I want you wasting time in my life. My time is precious and I'm losing it every day. I only want people who KNOW who they are and are fine with it. Are you a janitor, salesman, hairdresser? Then be the best ones in the world! If you're not then find something else to do and stop complaining! There are no excuses, there is no crying....there's just life. So get used to it, become one with yourself and enjoy the fucking ride because we only get one shot at it.

I'm off to sleep......


December 13, 2000

Wow, that was one heck of a rant in my last entry. :-)

Anyway, the election mess is now over. I just watched Vice President Gore give a beautiful speech as he gracefully withdrew. In my mind, he is the rightful winner. He won the popular vote, the country wanted HIM and NOT Bush.
The votes were not counted. Bush was scared beyond belief that if all the votes had been counted, he would've lost and he proceeded to delay, delay, delay until time ran out.
America will now be the joke of the world. Bush, a man who strains to complete sentences...a man who has such poor control over his emotions that when, running for office in Texas, ran his car through his garage when his wife publicly said she didn't like a speech he gave...a man who was caught drunk driving and risking the lives of innocent people...a man who regularly did cocaine....a man who happily executes people without regard to their possible innocence...a man who got to where he is solely based on his rich daddy's name..is our "president". Well he's not MY President and never will be. How can he make such a claim when he *knows* the majority of America voted for Gore?
What would happen if a major news agency gains access and counts all the votes and we find out he didn't win? We will have our first illegitimate president and our country will be the butt of jokes the world over.
There is a reason why our country has done so well over the last 8 years....we had a Democrat in the White House. Who wants to bet that our country's economy will nosedive over the next 4 years?
I take some comfort in the fact that, barring the Democratic party nominates a convicted murderer, Bush "Jr" will not be re-elected.
Let's also keep in mind that Dick Cheney is in such poor health, he's one Burger King meal from kicking the bucket. *HE* is the Vice President????
Well in two years time there will be further congressional elections. More Republicans will be up for re-election and therefore risk losing control over Congress (they have a slim majority in the House and a 50/50 tie in the Senate.) America traditionally likes a balance of power in Washington...one party in the White House and the other in control of the Senate. 2002 should be fun.
Make no mistake.....Bush did not win. He is a disgrace and a joke. His so called presidency will show that.


December 24, 2000

Merry Christmas kids.


December 27, 2000

Well Christmas went fairly well. My brother Brian and his family came over and spent some time. His kids had fun, little Megan was our unwrapping helper, hehe.
Some of our relatives in Germany called, I spoke with my cousin Thomas, etc. 'Twas nice.
Unfortunately I got a snide e-card from my ex Nate for whatever twisted reason so that put something of a damper on the evening. I did write back a rather harsh reply, hopefully he got the hint to never bother me again.

My stepfather Tim got a letter from his daughter today. He's had very little contact with her for a decade. She's 17 now and really wants a relationship with him. Mom and I are encouraging him to do so. It'd be good for both of them.

I received a letter from the producers of "The Real World" show today. Not surprisingly they weren't interested in casting me. Perhaps if I had worn GAP clothing and confessed of my love for the Backstreet Boys, I would've had a better chance. Anyway, this only goes to prove they have no interest at all in a "real" person and prefer idiotic MTV-washed kids. Their loss.

My grandfather in Germany sent my mother a card. He still has not adjusted to my grandma's death. He cannot even say her name. He visits her grave every single day and his health ain't all that great to begin with. Some of the things he says causes my mom to cry like his wishing he could "go home and be with her" (refering to grandma)..in other words, he cannot bear to live because she is not here. Man.....I can only hope that some day, a guy will love me that much.
However, I hope grandpa understands that there are people still here who want him around for as long as possible.

Ah New Year's Eve is coming up and more than likely, I will spend it alone. It's ok though, not like I've never done that before. Such is life and sometimes you're destined to be alone.